Why Your Team Sucks 2021: Minnesota Vikings

Your team: The f*cking Vikings.

Your 2020 record: 7-9. As with this coming season, it was over before it even started. Their star defensive end—their only good defensive lineman, really—suffered a “tweak” (his coach’s word for it) in the preseason, that turned into a mysterious neck injury, that turned into a serious neck injury, that turned into him being out for the season. This all unfolded in roughly the time it takes to make a breakfast taco. So that was bad.

It only got worse from there. They lost their star linebacker for the season nearly as quickly. They traded their best wideout to Buffalo before the season and watched as he instantly led his new team to the AFC title game. Both their starting corners, who sucked anyway, got hurt. Their All-Pro free safety got exposed as a Guy. They got their sh*t ruined by a winless Falcons team that had just fired its head coach. They blew an upset in Tennessee in the final two minutes. They blew another upset in Seattle when they passed on a field goal to go up eight with two minutes left, called a run for the backup running back on fourth-and-1, watched him get stuffed back into Oregon, and then let Russell Wilson waltz down the field without a single timeout in his holster to throw the winning touchdown pass with time to spare. They drafted one of the best rookie wideouts in history but didn’t throw him the ball for the first two games because the head coach still thinks redshirting exists in the pros.

Still gets worse. They traded a second rounder for Jacksonville’s pass rusher, traded him to a different team six games later, and he was STILL their leader in sacks by the time the season was over. Their kicker missed more field goals than a f*cking kindergartener would have. The crawled out of a 1-5 hole only to get kicked back down into the gutter by the clutch duo of Andy Dalton and Mike McCarthy. Their best defensive player tweaked (there’s that word again) a hammy in pregame warmups against Jacksonville and never played another down the rest of the season. They might have been the worst 7-9 team in league history.

I’m still f*cking exhausted by the 2020 Vikings. I still ruminate over them WAY more than any fan ever should. But look, it’s a new year. Everything starts again. There’s no way this team—this f*cking ASSHOLE of a team—can yet again f*ck itself in the pants before they’ve even played a live snap. No way.

No way.

I’m so sick of Kirk Cousins I want a new brain injury. And yet, here he remains. When the pandemic hit, Kirk said, “If I die, I die” and then DIDN’T die. F*cking rude.

There’s nothing GOOD here. This organization is standing water. Everything in it is either dead or will kill you.