Post by Funkytown on Aug 25, 2023 18:17:07 GMT -6
Why Your Team Sucks 2023: Minnesota Vikings by Drew Magary
Okay, every year, I think Reignman writes this. But now this year, it's about him.
...
Rest at the link:
defector.com/why-your-team-sucks-2023-minnesota-vikings
--
I freaking LOVE these. Love you too, Reignman ! You're an a-hole, but you're our a-hole! Drew Magary gives us this gem once a year - enjoyed by millions - but our very own Reignman brings it EVERY-FREAKING-DAY! He has that Championship Mindset!
In all seriousness, life's too short. Enjoy the ride. Laugh along the way.
...it sure beats crying!
Okay, every year, I think Reignman writes this. But now this year, it's about him.
Your 2022 record: 13-4. Biggest party in the NFL. I’m a Vikings fan and I f*cking loved this team. They rolled into 2022 with nearly the exact same roster they had from the previous season, when they went 8-9. And yet, they still cruised to a division title by staging miracle win after miracle win. They crushed the Packers on opening day. They beat Detroit on a last-minute TD pass to a wide-open K.J. Osborn. They snatched T.J. Hockenson away from the Lions soon after that and instantly became more dangerous on offense. They beat New Orleans in London after the Saints double-doinked the potential game-winner. They beat Chicago on a last-minute forced fumble. They came back from 17 down in Buffalo thanks to the greatest catch I’ve ever seen. They came from 33 down against Indianapolis in the largest comeback in NFL history. And they beat the Giants on Christmas Eve with a 61-yarder at the gun.
I’ve never enjoyed a Vikings team as much as this one. The only people who didn’t love it were, frankly, assholes: datahumpers who looked at this team’s net point differential and proudly cried out ACTUALLY THEY’RE NOT GOOD to anyone who would listen. Like it was some grand revelation. Gold star for you, f*ckface. It’s almost as if these people resent that football games have a final score and aren’t decided by a panel of judges. Or by f*cking Vegas. This is a lousy way to watch football, and a lousy way to live life in general.
You think I like sounding like Phil Simms about this sh*t? I don't. I’m a better football fan because of analytics, and I like it when both writers and front offices use data to properly evaluate a football team ... but not at the expense of everything else. The whole point of sports is to find out who will defy the odds, not obey them. Wins matter.
+#+#+#+#REALITY HAS ENTERED THE POST+#+#+#+#
The 2022 Vikings were the worst 13-win team in NFL history, beating their opponents by a fearsome -0.2 points per game. Every win was sheer happenstance, and often brought more aggravation to fans than elation. They could never keep a lead. Their short-yardage game was a pratfall. They only won that Buffalo game because Josh Allen played like an idiot. They only mounted that comeback against Indianapolis because a Radio Row guest was head coach of the Colts at the time. Every other win that these Vikings notched came against teams that were underwhelming, as underwhelming as they themselves would prove to be.
Every loss, on the other hand, was a definitive rout.
I’ve never enjoyed a Vikings team as much as this one. The only people who didn’t love it were, frankly, assholes: datahumpers who looked at this team’s net point differential and proudly cried out ACTUALLY THEY’RE NOT GOOD to anyone who would listen. Like it was some grand revelation. Gold star for you, f*ckface. It’s almost as if these people resent that football games have a final score and aren’t decided by a panel of judges. Or by f*cking Vegas. This is a lousy way to watch football, and a lousy way to live life in general.
You think I like sounding like Phil Simms about this sh*t? I don't. I’m a better football fan because of analytics, and I like it when both writers and front offices use data to properly evaluate a football team ... but not at the expense of everything else. The whole point of sports is to find out who will defy the odds, not obey them. Wins matter.
+#+#+#+#REALITY HAS ENTERED THE POST+#+#+#+#
The 2022 Vikings were the worst 13-win team in NFL history, beating their opponents by a fearsome -0.2 points per game. Every win was sheer happenstance, and often brought more aggravation to fans than elation. They could never keep a lead. Their short-yardage game was a pratfall. They only won that Buffalo game because Josh Allen played like an idiot. They only mounted that comeback against Indianapolis because a Radio Row guest was head coach of the Colts at the time. Every other win that these Vikings notched came against teams that were underwhelming, as underwhelming as they themselves would prove to be.
Every loss, on the other hand, was a definitive rout.
What has always sucked:
+#+#+#+#REALITY HAS ENTERED THE POST+#+#+#+#
+#+#+#+#ANGER HAS ENTERED THE POST+#+#+#+#
+#+#+#+#DECADES OF PAIN HAVE ENTERED THE POST+#+#+#+#
The worst fans you’ll ever meet are Vikings fans. They never wanna talk about this team. When they do, it’s never with anything resembling excitement. And if YOU get excited about this team, they sit you down on their knee, pat you on the head, and smugly pass along their tired fatalism to you, like it’s f*cking wisdom. Like they’re doing you a f*cking favor by taking a sh*t in your lunch. This team has won plenty over the decades, and employed some of the dopest players ever to play the game. Do these fans appreciate any of it? No, because all they wanna do is piss and moan. They see more ghosts than Sam Darnold.
Every time you meet another Vikings fan, you are let down. Aren’t you shocked at how PASSIVE they are, all the time? It’s like a million Ed Donatells, all freezing up the second adversity comes barreling at them. You’re like that too, Drew. I’ve seen you during games, tweeting out the usual defeatist bullsh*t like “Welp,” and “Uh oh,” and “Here we go again,” anytime the other team comes within a touchdown. I’ve seen other fans get in your head and stay there merely by saying “Kurt” or “Danny Dimes” to you. I’ve seen you go dead silent for endless stretches of gameplay. I know how much the phrase “regress to the mean” gets under your skin. Your whole deal is nothing but loser sh*t: the same as any other Vikings fan has to offer.
THAT is why this team will never win dick. How can they when these fans never, ever believe in them?
And while we're here, f*ck Brad Childress.
+#+#+#+#REALITY HAS ENTERED THE POST+#+#+#+#
+#+#+#+#ANGER HAS ENTERED THE POST+#+#+#+#
+#+#+#+#DECADES OF PAIN HAVE ENTERED THE POST+#+#+#+#
The worst fans you’ll ever meet are Vikings fans. They never wanna talk about this team. When they do, it’s never with anything resembling excitement. And if YOU get excited about this team, they sit you down on their knee, pat you on the head, and smugly pass along their tired fatalism to you, like it’s f*cking wisdom. Like they’re doing you a f*cking favor by taking a sh*t in your lunch. This team has won plenty over the decades, and employed some of the dopest players ever to play the game. Do these fans appreciate any of it? No, because all they wanna do is piss and moan. They see more ghosts than Sam Darnold.
Every time you meet another Vikings fan, you are let down. Aren’t you shocked at how PASSIVE they are, all the time? It’s like a million Ed Donatells, all freezing up the second adversity comes barreling at them. You’re like that too, Drew. I’ve seen you during games, tweeting out the usual defeatist bullsh*t like “Welp,” and “Uh oh,” and “Here we go again,” anytime the other team comes within a touchdown. I’ve seen other fans get in your head and stay there merely by saying “Kurt” or “Danny Dimes” to you. I’ve seen you go dead silent for endless stretches of gameplay. I know how much the phrase “regress to the mean” gets under your skin. Your whole deal is nothing but loser sh*t: the same as any other Vikings fan has to offer.
THAT is why this team will never win dick. How can they when these fans never, ever believe in them?
And while we're here, f*ck Brad Childress.
Rest at the link:
defector.com/why-your-team-sucks-2023-minnesota-vikings
--
I freaking LOVE these. Love you too, Reignman ! You're an a-hole, but you're our a-hole! Drew Magary gives us this gem once a year - enjoyed by millions - but our very own Reignman brings it EVERY-FREAKING-DAY! He has that Championship Mindset!
In all seriousness, life's too short. Enjoy the ride. Laugh along the way.
...it sure beats crying!
... and neither is this Chris guy.