Why Your Team Sucks 2022: Minnesota Vikings

Your team: f*ck me sideways.

Your 2021 record: 8-9, which doesn’t even begin to tell the story of how unpleasant this team was to watch a year ago. Perhaps this would be more illustrative:


I wouldn’t wish the 2021 Vikings on anyone, except for people I don’t care for. No one on this team got vaccinated, so much so that Chad Graff of The Athletic reported that younger Vikings were afraid to get vaccinated, lest they incur the ire of the unvaccinated Pro Bowlers on the roster. One of the few Vikings players who did get vaxxed on the team ended up hospitalized with COVID-19, thanks to his freedom-loving teammates. They lost their best defensive player for the season, for a second straight season. They blew a game against the eventual AFC champion Bengals when their (unvaccinated) running back fumbled in overtime. They blew a game to Arizona the following week when their kicker—stop me if you’ve heard this one before—missed a potential game-winning field goal at the gun. They lost a Sunday Night game, also at the gun, to the immortal Cooper Rush. They blew a two-touchdown lead in the second half to Baltimore. They gifted Detroit its first win of the season when their secondary gave Amon-Ra St. Brown a six-yard cushion in their own end zone. Again, at the gun. WHAT THE f*ck ARE YOU GUYS DOING OUT THERE? SWAPPING RECIPES?

What’s new that sucks: Kirk aside, the Vikings had every chance to freshen up a roster that had zero depth and was polluted with expensive, aging veterans. Unfortunately for Adofo-Mensah, no other team wanted any of this biohazard material. So instead, he reworked the contracts of both wideout Adam Thielen (unvaccinated) and safety Harrison Smith (unvaccinated) to make those contracts MORE onerous than they once were. He also had the No. 12 pick in the draft and traded it, at the last second, to Detroit for the right to move 20 spots down and take a safety who still hasn’t cracked the starting lineup. It’s as if Spielman was never fired.

O’Connell brought in defensive coordinator Ed Donatell, who was hospitalized with COVID-19 a season ago. Almost like they want Kirk, Thielen, and Smith to finish the job on that poor bastard. They did nothing to fix the center spot, with Garrett Bradbury keeping his job despite being the worst pass-blocking center on the face of the f*cking Earth. When you have an immobile quarterback, it’s generally unwise to give defenses the shortest avenue to reach him. And yet, the Vikings kept that little house of straw as is. They used one of their second-rounders in April on a guard who was charged with sexually assaulting two girls when he was 16 years old. Who might have been the driving force behind that decision?

What the f*ck is a competitive rebuild and why doesn’t it include any actual rebuilding?

We’re now entering Year Five of the franchise leasing to the 15th best quarterback in the league at a top-five price.

Regardless of how different (better) the O’Connell offense is going to be this season, I’m 100% confident that Cousins will still throw three-yard passes on 3rd-and-8. A brilliant game plan is powerless against a man who likes to protect his QBR.

Our former coach hated our QB to the point of sabotaging both their careers. I swear if the freaking Bengals win a Super Bowl before us, I’m going to shove that Gjallarhorn up my ass.

Being a Vikings fan is like being in that circle of Dante’s Inferno where all the sinners’ heads are permanently turned around backwards, so that they spend eternity looking into the past and crying into their own assholes. Every one of this franchise’s most glorious moments are both a) long behind us, and b) always, always tainted by subsequent humiliation.

We hired an analytics GM who immediately gave Kirk Cousins an extension. We hired a head coach whose team was 32nd in scoring offense the last time he was allowed to call plays. Our big free agent additions were an injured pass rusher, a DT whose best quality is that he’s super involved in the community, and a third LB for a team that is almost always going to play nickel. We traded down with TWO division rivals in the first 34 picks so that they could each take WRs who will inevitably burn the safety and corner we eventually took. Despite all of this, I am unreasonably excited for the season based purely on new and positive vibes.

The last time the Vikings made the Super Bowl was in 1977. 1977 was the same year that Elvis died and Star Wars premiered. Joe Biden had already been a Senator for four years. Gas cost $0.62/gallon.

Seeing that oversized jar of private label mayonnaise get sacked is the most excited I get during a game.

I predict we make it three games tops before something so monumentally stupid happens that I start drinking again. I’ll be checked out of the season by the sixth or seventh quarter, like every year.

Now we can watch Kirk throw for 6000 yards, 75 touchdowns, and still go 8-8-1 to keep his perfect .500 winning percentage alive.

f*ck Gary Anderson, f*ck taking a knee, f*ck Daunte Culpepper’s tiny hands, f*ck 41-donut, f*ck Brad Childress, f*ck Blair Walsh, f*ck Teddy Bridgewater’s knee, f*ck Sam Bradford’s knee, f*ck 38-7 to Nick Foles, and f*ck a supposed defensive genius taking Anthony Barr over Aaron Donald.

f*ck Herschel Walker with his nonexistent degree from Georgia.