Post by Funkytown on Aug 15, 2017 16:38:51 GMT -6
Why Your Team Sucks 2017: Minnesota Vikings by Drew Magary
Rest at the link: deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2017-minnesota-vikings-1797851777
As always, this is the part where I disclose that I’m a Vikings fan. A stupid, gullible, worthless Vikings fan. Have a seat. This’ll take a while. I have a lot of problems with these people.
Your 2016 record: 8-8, which doesn’t even begin to hint at the pain and misery this team… this complete f*cking ASSHOLE of a team… put everyone through. Fresh off a division title and with young promise all over the roster, here is what happened:
The starting quarterback had his leg explode in a non-contact drill, an injury so severe it nearly led to amputation and left witnesses on the field crying and barfing.
The GM traded a first-round pick for… God, rooting for this team means reliving past traumas over and over and over… Sam Bradford, who had already been benched in Philadelphia.
They started out 5-0 only to have their faces caved in by the same Eagles team that fleeced them for Bradford.
The coach went f*cking blind.
The defensive coordinator got a DUI.
The starting defensive tackle suffered a vague leg injury that ended up keeping him out all season and could also end HIS career.
The offensive coordinator retired without first warning his head coach, and play-calling duties were then handed to the only man in NFL history who was a more underwhelming head coach than his predecessor.
The kidbeater at running back got hurt, was dragged through the stadium restaurant to receive treatment, and then subsequently fumbled in his first game back before going back into dry dock and leaving for New Orleans.
Even after missing a 27-yard chip shot against the Seahawks, they kept Blair Walsh around long enough to miss four extra points before finally cutting him.
They got cucked by Golden Tate.
Their first-round wideout caught a total of one pass (and has supposedly already hurt himself in a training camp fight).
The left guard had to tell home fans to shut the f*ck up during the team’s offensive series.
The coach had a reporter correct a story that he slashed the throats of a bunch of stuffed animals and doused them with red paint to motivate the team (He TOTALLY did it).
The f*cking center snapped a ball to no one.
The Cowboys beat them after a ref missed a headshot on Bradford.
The team had to deny that they were willing to shelter homeless people during a cold snap.
“Wisconsin-Based Vikings Fan Says He Was Stabbed Seven Times Over Inflatable Yard Decoration.”
The secondary mutinied while allowing Jordy Nelson to rack up 154 yards and 2 TDs.
The entire offensive line got hurt and anyone who didn’t get hurt was sh*t. TJ Clemmings, you owe me money. I have never seen worse line play. Never ever ever.
They ranked DFL in rushing.
Promising linebacker Anthony Barr was kidnapped and replaced by a sack of oats.
The new stadium destroyed scores of birds and thousands more bladders, and has already started falling apart
The only daring play that happened at the stadium was when a bunch of pipeline protesters hung a sign from the roof.
There you go. The Vikings are always keen on finding new and wondrous elements of misery: flavors, textures, colors. This team lives to punish you.
Your coach: Mike Zimmer, who has had EIGHT eye surgeries in the past year.
YARGHHHHHHH MATEYS! Only the Vikings would stumble upon their first tolerable coach in decades and have him be immediately stricken down with corneal AIDS. There’s also the very real possibility that Zimmer is not the Second Coming of Bud Grant, given that he drove Norv Turner away (I know it’s Norv, but still) and got absolutely trashed by Rhett Ellison’s father when the tight end left town. Zimmer is a high-strung yeller who can’t even do high-strung yelling anymore because his eyeball could pop out at any second. I’m not exactly brimming with confidence in this man.
Your quarterback: I swear to God that Sam Bradford could pour a routine bowl of cereal and NFL scouts would line up to hand his ass $50 million. This guy broke the completion percentage mark last season and the NFL media made it out like it was some big sh*t. Meanwhile, this was the 28th-ranked offense in football. I cannot begin to describe how painful it was to watch. Bradford’s yards per attempt ranked 19th, below even Alex Smith. When Bradford is healthy (LOL), he’s an actively serviceable QB and little more, and yet people go INSANE for him because he looks so professional in his adequacy. What spell does this man have over America?
Your 2016 record: 8-8, which doesn’t even begin to hint at the pain and misery this team… this complete f*cking ASSHOLE of a team… put everyone through. Fresh off a division title and with young promise all over the roster, here is what happened:
The starting quarterback had his leg explode in a non-contact drill, an injury so severe it nearly led to amputation and left witnesses on the field crying and barfing.
The GM traded a first-round pick for… God, rooting for this team means reliving past traumas over and over and over… Sam Bradford, who had already been benched in Philadelphia.
They started out 5-0 only to have their faces caved in by the same Eagles team that fleeced them for Bradford.
The coach went f*cking blind.
The defensive coordinator got a DUI.
The starting defensive tackle suffered a vague leg injury that ended up keeping him out all season and could also end HIS career.
The offensive coordinator retired without first warning his head coach, and play-calling duties were then handed to the only man in NFL history who was a more underwhelming head coach than his predecessor.
The kidbeater at running back got hurt, was dragged through the stadium restaurant to receive treatment, and then subsequently fumbled in his first game back before going back into dry dock and leaving for New Orleans.
Even after missing a 27-yard chip shot against the Seahawks, they kept Blair Walsh around long enough to miss four extra points before finally cutting him.
They got cucked by Golden Tate.
Their first-round wideout caught a total of one pass (and has supposedly already hurt himself in a training camp fight).
The left guard had to tell home fans to shut the f*ck up during the team’s offensive series.
The coach had a reporter correct a story that he slashed the throats of a bunch of stuffed animals and doused them with red paint to motivate the team (He TOTALLY did it).
The f*cking center snapped a ball to no one.
The Cowboys beat them after a ref missed a headshot on Bradford.
The team had to deny that they were willing to shelter homeless people during a cold snap.
“Wisconsin-Based Vikings Fan Says He Was Stabbed Seven Times Over Inflatable Yard Decoration.”
The secondary mutinied while allowing Jordy Nelson to rack up 154 yards and 2 TDs.
The entire offensive line got hurt and anyone who didn’t get hurt was sh*t. TJ Clemmings, you owe me money. I have never seen worse line play. Never ever ever.
They ranked DFL in rushing.
Promising linebacker Anthony Barr was kidnapped and replaced by a sack of oats.
The new stadium destroyed scores of birds and thousands more bladders, and has already started falling apart
The only daring play that happened at the stadium was when a bunch of pipeline protesters hung a sign from the roof.
There you go. The Vikings are always keen on finding new and wondrous elements of misery: flavors, textures, colors. This team lives to punish you.
Your coach: Mike Zimmer, who has had EIGHT eye surgeries in the past year.
YARGHHHHHHH MATEYS! Only the Vikings would stumble upon their first tolerable coach in decades and have him be immediately stricken down with corneal AIDS. There’s also the very real possibility that Zimmer is not the Second Coming of Bud Grant, given that he drove Norv Turner away (I know it’s Norv, but still) and got absolutely trashed by Rhett Ellison’s father when the tight end left town. Zimmer is a high-strung yeller who can’t even do high-strung yelling anymore because his eyeball could pop out at any second. I’m not exactly brimming with confidence in this man.
Your quarterback: I swear to God that Sam Bradford could pour a routine bowl of cereal and NFL scouts would line up to hand his ass $50 million. This guy broke the completion percentage mark last season and the NFL media made it out like it was some big sh*t. Meanwhile, this was the 28th-ranked offense in football. I cannot begin to describe how painful it was to watch. Bradford’s yards per attempt ranked 19th, below even Alex Smith. When Bradford is healthy (LOL), he’s an actively serviceable QB and little more, and yet people go INSANE for him because he looks so professional in his adequacy. What spell does this man have over America?
that about sums it up too. It's frustrating because he does look like he could be good, but he just never delivers.
... and neither is this Chris guy.