Why Your Team Sucks 2020: Minnesota Vikings
Sept 17, 2020 19:28:08 GMT -6
Minniman and Josey Wales like this
Post by Funkytown on Sept 17, 2020 19:28:08 GMT -6
Perfect timing, right?
Link:
defector.com/why-your-team-sucks-2020-minnesota-vikings/
Your quarterback: If he dies, we all live.
It’s a testament (?) to Kirk Cousins that my biggest thrill having him on the Vikings was the day the team managed to get his cap number down. Did they have to commit to two more years of Kirk to accomplish this? Yes. Was it worth it? Reader, WAS KIRK WORTH IT is a question even God himself refuses to answer.
The past two years, the Vikings have labored, in painstaking detail, to tailor this offense so that Kirk can’t f*ck it up. They made every single pass a play-action pass. They drafted a preternaturally gifted tight end in Irv Smith. They added so many screen passes to the playbook that Kirk never has to throw the ball farther than two yards. When Kevin Stefanski took the Cleveland job, they begged Kubes into taking his OC job so that Kirk wouldn’t have his precious continuity disrupted. Everything has to be JUST right for Kirk to succeed, otherwise it all goes to sh*t, just as it did in San Francisco this January. He’s a QB who needs the people around him to make him better and can NEVER provide the opposite service.
And you know what the worst part is? I have to DEFEND him. What choice do I have? I’m stuck with this failed Blue’s Clues replacement host until the sun dies out. So I have to be like well, he beat the Saints in that playoff game! And what about that heroic tie he forced in Green Bay two years ago? THIS GUY’S PASSES HAVE GREAT TOUCH! I feel like I have a disease.
The backup is Sean Mannion. It doesn’t matter. Kirk never gets hurt. The one guy God protects and it’s this grinning idiot.
What’s new that sucks: The defense fell off last season, forcing Zimmer and newly extended GM Rick Spielman to make fixes that all fit squarely into the PROFIT!!! meme. They signed Michael Pierce away from the Ravens and I was like THAT WAS A GREAT VALUE SIGNING FOR THE MIDDLE OF THE D-LINE. Pierce, an asthmatic, quickly opted out for the season.
They let virtually every cornerback walk, including Trae Waynes, Mackensie Alexander, and Xavier Rhodes, who was a shutdown corner in a past life. Replacing them is a patchwork quilt of dudes like Holton Hill, Mike Hughes and rookies Can Dantzler and Jeff Gladney. I do not trust Gladney, largely because his last name is very silly. Rodgers and Davante Adams just threw the ball around against this secondary at will and I swear to you I heard the color guy say, “They’re like kids out there right now!” My whole adult life is nothing but Packers QBs treating this secondary like a f*cking swirly slide.
They thought DE Everson Griffen would stay because, like, loyalty. He signed with Dallas instead. They tagged all-pro safety Anthony Harris hoping to trade him, only to find no takers. As with every year, the Vikings are praying that their rookie class can fill holes that they DESPERATELY need filled. Immediately. Never a flaw in that plan. No one has any idea if this defense will be worth a sh*t. The Vikings’ blockbuster preseason trade for Jags’ all-worlder Yannick Ngakoue looked like a masterstroke right until everyone discovered that it was a panic move triggered by Danielle Hunter suffering a mysterious neck injury that the Vikings have still yet to disclose. WHAT IS THE f*cking STRATEGY TO THIS? Does punching your own fans in the cock give opposing QBs night sweats somehow? Ngakoue is also now hurt. Rodgers touches his parents more often than this pass rush touched him on Sunday.
On offense, the Vikings traded a disgruntled Stefon Diggs to Buffalo after an internal feud that was Minnesota nice from wire to wire: highly passive-aggressive, inexplicable simmering tension where no one would really say outright what the problem was, and never did. This team avoids open conflict as scrupulously as its fans. Really pleasant sh*t.
The Vikings used the first rounder they got in return for Diggs on LSU stallion Justin Jefferson. Diggs is the best contested-catch wideout in football. He can make virtually any quarterback look competent, which means Kirk will no longer appear to be so. Jefferson could conceivably replace Diggs opposite Adam Thielen, but pretty much every scout says Jefferson is more of a slot receiver. EVERY wideout on this team is more of a slot receiver. When you have Tom Brady, you can jack off to this prospect. When you have Kirk Cousins, you go shopping for razor blades. By the way, the last time the Vikings traded away a god receiver for a first rounder and drafted his replacement with it, they ended up with… Troy Williamson. Again, razor blades. Dalvin Cook got a new contract the same week his backup ran for the exact same number of yards against Green Bay on only half the number of carries. Pat Elflein is still at guard and he f*cking sucks.
What has always sucked: Being a Vikings fan is like a having a KICK ME sign tattooed on the back of your neck. I could tell you I’ve heard it all before—because, of course, I have—but that would be a cheap attempt on my part to dissuade you from sh*tting on me because I’m pretending to be numb. I wish I were numb. I wish I were dead inside. I am not. I am eternally vulnerable to emotional pain, and the Vikings are the reason why. Get your licks in down in the comments. If I read them, I’ll get mad, try to keep it to myself, and then fail. This happens every f*cking time. I joke about other fans being hilariously defensive, but then my team eats sh*t and I take ANY slight personally. All you gotta do is tweet the Blair Walsh gif at me and I feel assaulted. I’m that much of a f*cking baby.
In that way, I remain very much a Minnesotan even though I haven’t lived in Minnesota since 1991. You’re talking about a bunch of people who are CONSTANTLY hiding their ugliness underneath a foundation of plastered-on smiles and lukewarm hot dishes.
It’s a testament (?) to Kirk Cousins that my biggest thrill having him on the Vikings was the day the team managed to get his cap number down. Did they have to commit to two more years of Kirk to accomplish this? Yes. Was it worth it? Reader, WAS KIRK WORTH IT is a question even God himself refuses to answer.
The past two years, the Vikings have labored, in painstaking detail, to tailor this offense so that Kirk can’t f*ck it up. They made every single pass a play-action pass. They drafted a preternaturally gifted tight end in Irv Smith. They added so many screen passes to the playbook that Kirk never has to throw the ball farther than two yards. When Kevin Stefanski took the Cleveland job, they begged Kubes into taking his OC job so that Kirk wouldn’t have his precious continuity disrupted. Everything has to be JUST right for Kirk to succeed, otherwise it all goes to sh*t, just as it did in San Francisco this January. He’s a QB who needs the people around him to make him better and can NEVER provide the opposite service.
And you know what the worst part is? I have to DEFEND him. What choice do I have? I’m stuck with this failed Blue’s Clues replacement host until the sun dies out. So I have to be like well, he beat the Saints in that playoff game! And what about that heroic tie he forced in Green Bay two years ago? THIS GUY’S PASSES HAVE GREAT TOUCH! I feel like I have a disease.
The backup is Sean Mannion. It doesn’t matter. Kirk never gets hurt. The one guy God protects and it’s this grinning idiot.
What’s new that sucks: The defense fell off last season, forcing Zimmer and newly extended GM Rick Spielman to make fixes that all fit squarely into the PROFIT!!! meme. They signed Michael Pierce away from the Ravens and I was like THAT WAS A GREAT VALUE SIGNING FOR THE MIDDLE OF THE D-LINE. Pierce, an asthmatic, quickly opted out for the season.
They let virtually every cornerback walk, including Trae Waynes, Mackensie Alexander, and Xavier Rhodes, who was a shutdown corner in a past life. Replacing them is a patchwork quilt of dudes like Holton Hill, Mike Hughes and rookies Can Dantzler and Jeff Gladney. I do not trust Gladney, largely because his last name is very silly. Rodgers and Davante Adams just threw the ball around against this secondary at will and I swear to you I heard the color guy say, “They’re like kids out there right now!” My whole adult life is nothing but Packers QBs treating this secondary like a f*cking swirly slide.
They thought DE Everson Griffen would stay because, like, loyalty. He signed with Dallas instead. They tagged all-pro safety Anthony Harris hoping to trade him, only to find no takers. As with every year, the Vikings are praying that their rookie class can fill holes that they DESPERATELY need filled. Immediately. Never a flaw in that plan. No one has any idea if this defense will be worth a sh*t. The Vikings’ blockbuster preseason trade for Jags’ all-worlder Yannick Ngakoue looked like a masterstroke right until everyone discovered that it was a panic move triggered by Danielle Hunter suffering a mysterious neck injury that the Vikings have still yet to disclose. WHAT IS THE f*cking STRATEGY TO THIS? Does punching your own fans in the cock give opposing QBs night sweats somehow? Ngakoue is also now hurt. Rodgers touches his parents more often than this pass rush touched him on Sunday.
On offense, the Vikings traded a disgruntled Stefon Diggs to Buffalo after an internal feud that was Minnesota nice from wire to wire: highly passive-aggressive, inexplicable simmering tension where no one would really say outright what the problem was, and never did. This team avoids open conflict as scrupulously as its fans. Really pleasant sh*t.
The Vikings used the first rounder they got in return for Diggs on LSU stallion Justin Jefferson. Diggs is the best contested-catch wideout in football. He can make virtually any quarterback look competent, which means Kirk will no longer appear to be so. Jefferson could conceivably replace Diggs opposite Adam Thielen, but pretty much every scout says Jefferson is more of a slot receiver. EVERY wideout on this team is more of a slot receiver. When you have Tom Brady, you can jack off to this prospect. When you have Kirk Cousins, you go shopping for razor blades. By the way, the last time the Vikings traded away a god receiver for a first rounder and drafted his replacement with it, they ended up with… Troy Williamson. Again, razor blades. Dalvin Cook got a new contract the same week his backup ran for the exact same number of yards against Green Bay on only half the number of carries. Pat Elflein is still at guard and he f*cking sucks.
What has always sucked: Being a Vikings fan is like a having a KICK ME sign tattooed on the back of your neck. I could tell you I’ve heard it all before—because, of course, I have—but that would be a cheap attempt on my part to dissuade you from sh*tting on me because I’m pretending to be numb. I wish I were numb. I wish I were dead inside. I am not. I am eternally vulnerable to emotional pain, and the Vikings are the reason why. Get your licks in down in the comments. If I read them, I’ll get mad, try to keep it to myself, and then fail. This happens every f*cking time. I joke about other fans being hilariously defensive, but then my team eats sh*t and I take ANY slight personally. All you gotta do is tweet the Blair Walsh gif at me and I feel assaulted. I’m that much of a f*cking baby.
In that way, I remain very much a Minnesotan even though I haven’t lived in Minnesota since 1991. You’re talking about a bunch of people who are CONSTANTLY hiding their ugliness underneath a foundation of plastered-on smiles and lukewarm hot dishes.
Link:
defector.com/why-your-team-sucks-2020-minnesota-vikings/
... and neither is this Chris guy.