Why Your Team Sucks 2019: Minnesota Vikings
Aug 14, 2019 11:35:14 GMT -6
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Post by Purple Pain on Aug 14, 2019 11:35:14 GMT -6
Why Your Team Sucks 2019: Minnesota Vikings by Drew Magary
Link: deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2019-minnesota-vikings-1837166258
Your quarterback: Human cup of ranch dressing Kirk Cousins, who as Mina Kimes and the rest of the world have pointed out, looks like a normal dude UNTIL he tries to smile:
That’s what the Vikings offense looks like. They are EXTREMELY nervous to have the ball, at all times. HOO BOY DUNNO HOW THIS IS GONNA WORK OUT, GANG! As someone who has shat on Kirk Cousins for the bulk of his career, I can tell you it’s not fun to be on the other side of that gag. I have, against my better judgment, gone the full homer and taken pains to defend Kirk, even to myself, when he plays his least inspired football in moments that require he summon the precise opposite. He’s got great numbers! The line is sh*t! If you look at QB salaries since he signed, he’s actually something of a bargain! He has wonderful accuracy downfield! He’ll beat a winning team one day! All you have to do is reply LOL KIRK to me and you’ve already won the argument, and won it handily.
It’s f*cking Kirk Cousins. He could throw 50 TDs, and the fourth rounder in him would still come out right when the Vikings are about to pull a Vikings. This guy would study tape of Tom Brady working the grand opening of a Sweetgreen and yet steadfastly refuses to work on any fumbles he says are out of his control. This team and this galactic f*cking dork deserve one another.
What’s new that sucks: Cousins’s monster contract essentially paralyzed Spielman for the 2019 season. He was able to draft center Garrett Bradbury in the first round to patch the line, but Bradbury’s promise is already undermined by the fact that his taint appears to be the source of the River Nile:
Great. My team’s quarterback fumbles like Jesus told him to, and now the ball will be coated in a gallon of liquefied, unpasteurized fromunda cheese on every down. The team also extended tight end Kyle Rudolph, who catches six nice touchdowns a year and does little else. He’s a local legend now. They convinced Barr to leave the Jets at the altar and sign an extension, all so Zimmer can continue to misuse him. They fired their gay-hatin’ idiot of a special teams coach, but that’s not gonna make a f*cking difference. You can’t just fire black magic. Already, the Vikings expended another draft choice to bring in another kicker. That kicker, Kaare Vedvik, will be killed by a falling stadium panel the first time he attempts a PAT.
Mike Hughes remains on the PUP list. UFA treasure Holton Hill will start the season under suspension. How does this team have 9,000 corners and yet no corners all at once? Put my balls in a Vitamix. Bene’ Benwikere is gonna start 14 games this year. I already know it. Dalvin Cook may never be the same. I wanna move to Poland.
What has always sucked: Time for me to point out that the Vikings have the sixth highest all-time winning percentage of any NFL team. Fifteen of the top 16 teams on that particular list have won the Super Bowl. Guess which one hasn’t? I can believe that’s a statistical anomaly but, well now, I’ve talked myself into Kirk Cousins, haven’t I? I am a big gullible sh*thead, and the Vikings are here to draw in lumbering imbeciles such as myself with superficial victories and nothing more. They belong to Minnesota for this very reason. People from Minnesota are friendly mainly as a way of figuring out what exactly it is that they hate about you. And so it’s very easy for them, and for me, to hit it off with this team at first, and to then spend DECADES nurturing the ensuing, private resentment. I wish this team had never been born.
I enjoy my weed from time to time, as all good Americans do. And I know when my high is wearing off because, and I swear this is true, I start thinking about the Vikings when it has happened. One second my fingers and toes are tingling and I feel like I’m being lifted into the SKY. The next, I’m back to pretending I’m Zim in a preseason presser, marveling at Irv Smith displaying so much maturity as a rookie. That’s when I know I need another hit. Come January, I’ll have a new collection of sh*tty memories to drag my ass back down to sobriety anytime I’m feeling nicely toasted. This team is my weather. Never let it be yours.
That’s what the Vikings offense looks like. They are EXTREMELY nervous to have the ball, at all times. HOO BOY DUNNO HOW THIS IS GONNA WORK OUT, GANG! As someone who has shat on Kirk Cousins for the bulk of his career, I can tell you it’s not fun to be on the other side of that gag. I have, against my better judgment, gone the full homer and taken pains to defend Kirk, even to myself, when he plays his least inspired football in moments that require he summon the precise opposite. He’s got great numbers! The line is sh*t! If you look at QB salaries since he signed, he’s actually something of a bargain! He has wonderful accuracy downfield! He’ll beat a winning team one day! All you have to do is reply LOL KIRK to me and you’ve already won the argument, and won it handily.
It’s f*cking Kirk Cousins. He could throw 50 TDs, and the fourth rounder in him would still come out right when the Vikings are about to pull a Vikings. This guy would study tape of Tom Brady working the grand opening of a Sweetgreen and yet steadfastly refuses to work on any fumbles he says are out of his control. This team and this galactic f*cking dork deserve one another.
What’s new that sucks: Cousins’s monster contract essentially paralyzed Spielman for the 2019 season. He was able to draft center Garrett Bradbury in the first round to patch the line, but Bradbury’s promise is already undermined by the fact that his taint appears to be the source of the River Nile:
Great. My team’s quarterback fumbles like Jesus told him to, and now the ball will be coated in a gallon of liquefied, unpasteurized fromunda cheese on every down. The team also extended tight end Kyle Rudolph, who catches six nice touchdowns a year and does little else. He’s a local legend now. They convinced Barr to leave the Jets at the altar and sign an extension, all so Zimmer can continue to misuse him. They fired their gay-hatin’ idiot of a special teams coach, but that’s not gonna make a f*cking difference. You can’t just fire black magic. Already, the Vikings expended another draft choice to bring in another kicker. That kicker, Kaare Vedvik, will be killed by a falling stadium panel the first time he attempts a PAT.
Mike Hughes remains on the PUP list. UFA treasure Holton Hill will start the season under suspension. How does this team have 9,000 corners and yet no corners all at once? Put my balls in a Vitamix. Bene’ Benwikere is gonna start 14 games this year. I already know it. Dalvin Cook may never be the same. I wanna move to Poland.
What has always sucked: Time for me to point out that the Vikings have the sixth highest all-time winning percentage of any NFL team. Fifteen of the top 16 teams on that particular list have won the Super Bowl. Guess which one hasn’t? I can believe that’s a statistical anomaly but, well now, I’ve talked myself into Kirk Cousins, haven’t I? I am a big gullible sh*thead, and the Vikings are here to draw in lumbering imbeciles such as myself with superficial victories and nothing more. They belong to Minnesota for this very reason. People from Minnesota are friendly mainly as a way of figuring out what exactly it is that they hate about you. And so it’s very easy for them, and for me, to hit it off with this team at first, and to then spend DECADES nurturing the ensuing, private resentment. I wish this team had never been born.
I enjoy my weed from time to time, as all good Americans do. And I know when my high is wearing off because, and I swear this is true, I start thinking about the Vikings when it has happened. One second my fingers and toes are tingling and I feel like I’m being lifted into the SKY. The next, I’m back to pretending I’m Zim in a preseason presser, marveling at Irv Smith displaying so much maturity as a rookie. That’s when I know I need another hit. Come January, I’ll have a new collection of sh*tty memories to drag my ass back down to sobriety anytime I’m feeling nicely toasted. This team is my weather. Never let it be yours.
Link: deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2019-minnesota-vikings-1837166258
... and neither is this Chris guy.