The 2022 Offseason: A Diagnosis

Minnesota Vikings offseason test results:

COMPONENT                       RESULT
maintaining the status quo      positive
collaboration                   apparently
clear concise plan              negative
cap situation                   $3
free agency participation       trace
satisfying needs                negative
meeting expectations            negative
preparing for the future        negative
running it back                 absolutely
complexity                      illusionary
draft                           pending
purple positivity               lol
confusion levels                potato

notes: Minnesota is currently in an abusive relationship with its past, doesn't seem to realize it's being taken advantage of by a gravitational pull toward .500, and is holding it's fan base hostage by insisting on doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results. They're currently in remission from toxic culture syndrome after a long battle with the Zimmeritis and Spielmeiosis viruses. The former of which still living rent free in the prefrontal cortex, leading to a nasty side effect of overreaction anxiety that exhibits itself in the form of a cult-like behavior of collaboration. Which stems from a deeper and ongoing issue of Detroitphobia. A fear of failure so paralyzing it keeps a system mired in mediocrity, preventing it from winning a Super Bowl before it dies.

short term prognosis: 9-8

long term prognosis: empty trophy caseinoma

recommended treatment (fans): social distancing from the patient for at least 2 seasons (season tickets, merchandise etc), staying home instead and watching the impending relapse in front of a TV

recommended treatment (patient): taking more chances

risks: becoming Detroit

potential needs: ownership transplant, Kirkstan exorcism


- Dr. Champ Mindset, YOLO specialist at PurplePainForums Support Group.