Post by Funkytown on Aug 15, 2018 19:42:25 GMT -6
Here we go:
Why Your Team Sucks 2018: Green Bay Packers by Drew Magary
Rest at the link: deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2018-green-bay-packers-1828354098
Why Your Team Sucks 2018: Green Bay Packers by Drew Magary
Your quarterback: It’s a fully healthy Aaron Rodgers, until he gets hurt again in October and the team goes belly up. This is the part where I disclose to you that I am a BUTTHURT VIKINGS FAN. As such, I have some smoking hot Aaron Rodgers takes in me that need to come out, and here they are. First off, he’s never gonna play a full season again. I know Rodgers is spouting off about playing until he’s 40 like Tom Brady, but Tom Brady takes a grand total of three steps every season. Dashing around from sideline to sideline and zipping lasers 35 yards down the field isn’t a sustainable quarterbacking model for such a frail guy. You have seen the best of Aaron Rodgers, and what comes next is a prolonged twilight with small bursts of magical play and many more nagging, crummy injuries.
Second: I think Rodgers f*cking hates the Packers and wants to leave. He wants a new contract. He already privately groused about team management. Keep in mind this is a guy who excommunicated his entire f*cking family when they mildly displeased him. When Aaron Rodgers exhibits the slightest irritation, that means he is feeling homicidal. I’m telling you, man: he wants out. Wouldn’t you? The coach is a dumbass. The town is a wasteland. The fans think they literally own him. He’ll shed this franchise like a blitzing corner and be on the West Coast by 2020. You can only keep up the Thoughtful Man schtick for so long before this town makes you crack.
What’s new that sucks: This might take some getting used to, but now that Ted is gone, the Packers are engaging in something called FREE AGENCY, in which players who are no longer under contract are now “free” to sign with any other team they wish. Pretty bold sh*t! So hang onto your FUPAs, gang, because this team will have honest-to-God new talent biking onto the practice field this summer. They actually signed players you’ve heard of! Sure, they’re mostly washed up and not very good, but still: PROGRESS.
They signed Jimmy Graham, which would have been incredibly exciting if this had been the year 2014. They also signed Marcedes Lewis, which also would have been incredibly exciting if this had been the year 1906. Those two will be tasked with picking up the production lost when Jordy Nelson went to Oakland. I can’t even imagine what kind of extended mourning period these fans had for Jordy when he left. I picture a 450-pound man man sitting shiva in a ranch-style house, surrounded by loved ones and trays of bean dip, quietly dabbing away his tears as he watches grainy footage of Jordy on a VHS player because modern entertainment options haven’t arrived in that godforsaken icehole yet.
Mo Wilkerson was chased out of town by the Jets. Jake Ryan tore his knee up.
What has always sucked: This is the all-american, mom-and-pop NFL franchise, which is fitting because in 2018, the average all-american mom and pop have been revealed as a pair of gun-toting red state psychopaths who openly despise humanity.
I grew up in Minnesota but I’m being completely earnest when I tell you that, while I like my home state, I also appreciated its neighbor to the East. I had friends from Wisconsin. I went to camp in Wisconsin. Wisconsin has cheese, beer, and pretty woods. For the bulk of my life, it seemed like a perfectly normal, good little state. But now I know the truth about Wisconsin, and that is that it’s actually a f*cking loony bin.
Second: I think Rodgers f*cking hates the Packers and wants to leave. He wants a new contract. He already privately groused about team management. Keep in mind this is a guy who excommunicated his entire f*cking family when they mildly displeased him. When Aaron Rodgers exhibits the slightest irritation, that means he is feeling homicidal. I’m telling you, man: he wants out. Wouldn’t you? The coach is a dumbass. The town is a wasteland. The fans think they literally own him. He’ll shed this franchise like a blitzing corner and be on the West Coast by 2020. You can only keep up the Thoughtful Man schtick for so long before this town makes you crack.
What’s new that sucks: This might take some getting used to, but now that Ted is gone, the Packers are engaging in something called FREE AGENCY, in which players who are no longer under contract are now “free” to sign with any other team they wish. Pretty bold sh*t! So hang onto your FUPAs, gang, because this team will have honest-to-God new talent biking onto the practice field this summer. They actually signed players you’ve heard of! Sure, they’re mostly washed up and not very good, but still: PROGRESS.
They signed Jimmy Graham, which would have been incredibly exciting if this had been the year 2014. They also signed Marcedes Lewis, which also would have been incredibly exciting if this had been the year 1906. Those two will be tasked with picking up the production lost when Jordy Nelson went to Oakland. I can’t even imagine what kind of extended mourning period these fans had for Jordy when he left. I picture a 450-pound man man sitting shiva in a ranch-style house, surrounded by loved ones and trays of bean dip, quietly dabbing away his tears as he watches grainy footage of Jordy on a VHS player because modern entertainment options haven’t arrived in that godforsaken icehole yet.
Mo Wilkerson was chased out of town by the Jets. Jake Ryan tore his knee up.
What has always sucked: This is the all-american, mom-and-pop NFL franchise, which is fitting because in 2018, the average all-american mom and pop have been revealed as a pair of gun-toting red state psychopaths who openly despise humanity.
I grew up in Minnesota but I’m being completely earnest when I tell you that, while I like my home state, I also appreciated its neighbor to the East. I had friends from Wisconsin. I went to camp in Wisconsin. Wisconsin has cheese, beer, and pretty woods. For the bulk of my life, it seemed like a perfectly normal, good little state. But now I know the truth about Wisconsin, and that is that it’s actually a f*cking loony bin.
Rest at the link: deadspin.com/why-your-team-sucks-2018-green-bay-packers-1828354098
... and neither is this Chris guy.